Sentimentality and spirituality

Just in brief..

Saw Billy Corgan tonight in NYC and it was so incredibly amazing. I was so very, very, painfully close to personally meeting him, until the guards basically shoved him into the van and drove away. However, since it was quite a small venue (Webster Hall) we were very close to the stage. I got about a dozen pictures. He winked at me...at ME. I realize at times like these how much of a crazy rock-n-roll fan girl I really am. I'll have to write more soon about some of the other details of the show. :)
When I get back from really emotional concerts I get very sentimental about life and humanity. I also have been really sentimental since my weekend trip to NYC to see Joe, particularly since our Saturday evening talk. When you realize what great friends you have..
Since the last argument I had with Eric a few weeks ago, I've been sort of secretly concerned about possibly being depressed again. With my last appointment with my psychiatrist, I told him I was doing well and that my down moods were congruent with negative events, and that my reactions were reasonable considering the events. But I still wonder: my lack of motivation, my exhaustion, my aversion to doing a lot of things that I'd like to do, the inner hopelessness, and the self-absorbed ego that somehow coexists with a painfully pesky remnant of low self-esteem. I'm existing, and living even! But I somehow let it slip that I was 'barely' doing that. So it's a tough place, because I still genuinely find that I'm doing well, but what underlies..? As I am sure I've mentioned, an affective 'disorder' is not the same thing every time it occurs, even in the same person. But please, no need to rush to me concerned, because I really am doing fine, but I just need to rev myself up more about actually living my life.
It's been a tough sentimental period these past days, because Eric and I haven't been catching each other for more than 10 minute conversations, at best. And he is my sentimentality, my spirituality...and how I wish I could not have to explain what it is that is in my head and in my heart, because it is all so grandiose and life is and life isn't.. I wonder what I am worth and what path it is that I am supposed to follow..
Eric says when I write these entries I write an opera of sorts. I know for some opera is over-the-top. But my opera is all I have..